Christina Neumeyer, M.A.
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #36020
2777 Jefferson, #201, Carlsbad, CA 92008
tel. 760.522.5659
Children/Teens
"In general, only a child who feels safe dares to grow forward healthily. His safety needs must be gratified. He can't be pushed ahead, because the ungratified safety needs will remain forever underground, always calling for satisfaction."
Abraham Maslow
College Transitions & School Failure
Therapy with children is referred to as "play therapy." This is best described as fun, creative, and expressive - reflecting a child's internal world via drawing, manipulates, animal and people figurines. The child leads and the therapist follows along, inquiring in an attentive and caring way, for further insight and understanding of how this child is currently experiencing the world.
Young children experience depression and anxiety. Symptoms of depression in small children often include excessive crying, lack of energy, boredom, regressive behaviors, nervous tics, or angry outbursts. Anxiety symptoms include worry, avoidance of school or friends, tummy aches, physical complaints, or moodiness. In teens, anxiety and depression masks itself in anger, self-harm, talk of death, opposition to rules, and resistance to activities that used to bring them joy. Effective tools are available to diagnose each child for their symptoms and clinical condition.
Children develop a sense of confidence when they have daily experiences of being adequately understood and cared for. A basic trust develops towards the rest of society that transfers from parents to others. Sometimes a child is raised with love and attention but is unable to access feelings of trust or confidence to the world at large.
"...the brain in its relaxed state is more creative, makes more nuanced connections and is ripe for eureka moments. With children...they need that space not to be entertained or distracted. What boredom does is take away the noise and leaves them with space to think deeply..."
Easy ways to show love in your home. Create a secret word, handshake, or gesture to convey your affection to your child (conversely, use a secret code to convey a red flag message that "your fly is down" or "thumb in mouth"). Listen for loving words: "Please," Thank you," "Good for you." Look for loving actions: sharing, listening, and helping. Begin each day anew, letting go of yesterday's anger and mistakes. Be flexible...rules that are rigid are ineffective. Tell your child stories of their birth. Plant a flower or a tree for each child near your home for a display of permanency. Model consideration of others when on the phone or in a store.
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FOR PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN, TOP TEN TIPS:
1) Avoid "talking up" big events, such as a birthday party, holiday, or a planned trip to Disneyland. Children cannot conceive of events that are planned too far into the future, and high-needs kids and children that tend to be anxious will find the anticipation overwhelming, often leading to a let-down. Instead, postpone discussion of the big day until the night before.
2) Offer choices: "We can take care of bath now or after our show," "Shall we work on homework first or take a walk?," "Would you prefer doing your chore now or after breakfast?"
2) Offer choices: "We can take care of bath now or after our show," "Shall we work on homework first or take a walk?," "Would you prefer doing your chore now or after breakfast?"
Everyone likes choices - just remember to follow through.
3) Caretakers (mom, dad, grandmother, babysitter) are the firewalls of limits, safety, and guidance. Children need to feel safe and they intuitively know that if they are the strongest person in the room, they are in trouble!
4) Reinforce the behaviors that you like. Catch your child doing something right and comment..."I like how you are sitting so nicely." We get more of the things we praise.
5) Be specific when issuing commands. Instead of "Clean your room" or "Be good today," be very specific in the actions that you would like to see, "When you clean up today, put the books on this shelf and the toys on this shelf," or, "Please make an effort to sit quietly during our dinner out and when you need something, ask me in a calm manner."
6) Anticipate problem behavior prior to it happening. If the library has been a difficult visit in the past, it probably will be again. So, this time, offer a solution in advance, either by leaving sooner, choosing a more relaxed time, bringing a snack, or discussing your expectations in advance.
7) Reduce stimuli. You are your child's filter in a very hectic world. Make a mindful decision to say "no" to activities that are over-the-top exciting, too advanced, or beyond your child's abilities. This may appear to be impossible in our fast-paced society, but, in fact, it's quite easy. Walking with your child is an activity full of possibilities. Nature and outdoor time is critical to clear thinking and healthy development. Loud noises, tv, music, and pop-culture raises cortisol (stress hormone) in children and makes them feel anxious (even when they look like they are having fun!). Being able to offer a good life to your child means saying "no," choosing down time, cooking together, collecting rocks, or making up stories (better received than books!). Unstructured time leads to creativity, and creativity leads to problem solving, which ultimately leads to mental health.
8) Children communicate differently than adults. Children need their parents to give them language - the proper words to describe the feeling in their heart, mind, or tummy. Language and vocabulary do not naturally develop - children require that parents match words with feelings. The more words a child has to choose from, the more easily he is able to explain himself and share his concerns and feelings. Children that do not have the skill of language are more apt to be impulsive and act out of frustration. Kids share their thoughts, concerns, and feelings while engaged in an activity (especially teens!). In other words, they "open up" while also playing basketball, coloring, or doing homework. Research shows that kids spontaneously disclose the relevant issues in their lives to their loved ones in an informal and casual manner. For this reason, engagement and access is so important.
9) Kids are resilient. Does a parent have to be perfect? No, not a all - parents do not need to be exceptionally patient, wealthy, educated, or trained in child development. Children are adaptations of their unique biology, psychology and home life. While children are flexible, some children will be more negatively impacted by stress given their unique "hard-wiring," also known as "temperament."
They can become depressed or anxious and almost always benefit from counseling as their loved ones develop new strategies for parenting, coping, and communicating.
10) No cookie-cutter formula is available. In functional and healthy families, the entire family can greatly contribute to a child's progress and development in a therapy setting, even when couples are divorced or separated. If a family is highly-conflicted in areas such as substance-abuse, a recent trauma, or severe marital stress, it is advised that the family work with a skilled clinician in deciding what therapeutic treatment plan would be most helpful and in the child's best interest. Ideally, much like a hanging mobile, the pieces of a family positively affect each other and each recognizes their power and necessity.
If you have given up your parenting power, have become afraid of your child, or are simply out of ideas, fake it until you locate some proper parenting guidance. We can help you find the right resources!
View the U.S. Health and Human Services Healthy Marriage Initiative, the government's effort to increase responsible fatherhood, healthy marriage education, and personal enhancement.
Mission Statement
To help couples, who have chosen marriage for themselves, gain greater access to marriage education services, on a voluntary basis, where they can acquire the skills and knowledge necessary to form and sustain a healthy marriage.
What is a “healthy marriage?"
There are at least two characteristics that all healthy marriages have in common. First, they are mutually enriching, and second, both spouses have a deep respect for each other.
It is a mutually satisfying relationship that is beneficial to the husband, wife, and children (if present).
It is a relationship that is committed to ongoing growth, the use of effective communication skills and the use of successful conflict management skills.
Goals
- Increase the percentage of children who are raised by two parents in a healthy marriage.
- Increase the percentage of married couples who are in healthy marriages.
- Increase the percentage of premarital couples who are equipped with the skills and knowledge necessary to form and sustain a healthy marriage.
- Encourage and support research on healthy marriages and healthy marriage education.
- Increase the percentage of women, men, and children in homes that are free of domestic violence. Parents Newsletter Here
The National Campaign for Public School Involvement
Parent Pledge
"I pledge to spend a minimum of fifteen minutes each school night reading with my child or we will work together on homework and enrichment activity"
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First 5 Commission of San Diego
HealthyDevelopment Services Presents:
Children's Care Connection (C3)
HealthyDevelopment Services Presents:
Children's Care Connection (C3)
Developmental & Behavioral Assessments, Treatment Classes for children, Speech & Language Services, Screening, Parent Education, and Groupclasses
1-877-8C3-KIDS
1-877-8C3-KIDS FREE
Copyright of Christina Neumeyer, 2021